Jacqueline burbled on and the exhausted Bertie thought he would escape from her hectoring by burying his nose in her cleavage. But it was not to be. Much to his surprise – and hers – he let out a shuddering fart. It was spontaneous (and sincere) and it brought his attempt to lose himself in her bosom to an abrupt end.

It seemed to her that it was no coincidence that he trouser coughed at the very moment she instructed him to “stay woke”.

“Did you just sphincter gurgle?” the indignant Jacqueline asked. “It was more of a cheek-squeeker. It came out just like a woke-up fart,” he said defensively, attempting to cover his backside.

“We’re going to have to do more work on your grasp of woke,” she said.  “You should have said ‘wake-up fart’, which is a rectal bed-warmer brought on by early morning stirring,” she explained, with the slow deliberation of the professional governess.

“Thank you, darling,” said Bertie. “I’ll try to hang on to that.”

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Readers’ Queries: Ask Dr Oracle

I am a student of journalism and my sub-editing lecturer has declared that it is not OK to use the binary word “manhole”. She says that “personhole” is the acceptable gender-neutral alternative. I am uncertain about this and would be grateful for your opinion.

First, thank you for asking.

Secondly, let us begin by considering a definition of the word “manhole”. Wikipedia will serve our purpose here. It says that “a manhole is an opening to a confined space such as a shaft…[they] are often used as an access point “.

The use of “personhole” will inevitably lead to readers confusing cast-iron lids in paved areas with individual sexual preferences.  Furthermore, the word will undoubtedly provoke flippancy with the supplementary question, “Which one? Oral, anal or vaginal?”

My understanding is that the main task of sub-editors is to “cut it short” while retaining meaning. On that basis, to make “personhole” a portmanteau word is asking it to carry too great a load.

A brief look at a diagram of typical male and female anatomies should, I would suggest, provide enough established terminology to identify the “hole” being referred to as a “personhole”.

I appreciate that that still leaves us with the problem of finding an unambiguous alternative to the word “manhole” where it refers to a pavement-level access point.

This is one of those questions where you can very easily find yourself in a hole! I will say no more.

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