Award-winning graphic designer Afaik Yolo has come up with the perfect birthday greetings card for elderly men who can no longer get to grips with what’s passed.

“The anal sphincter weakens. It’s the passage of time. Hence the phenomenon of frequent farting among older men, particularly when they bend their knees. This explains how they come to be characterised as ‘old farts’. However, they’re just like the rest of us – except that they’re old, their knees ache and they suffer seriously diminished flatulence-retention capabilities,” said Yolo.

“I wanted to design a card that acknowledged their basic human need to happily just ‘blow out candles’ but which also normalised their ineffective weak anal sphincters in a non-judgemental way. My card design wishes them ‘happy returns’ and excuses their wayward farting by displacing it on to the presumed presence of a whoopee cushion,” he explained.

Next on Yolo’s “to do” list is a card aimed at farty old ladies.

“It’s not only men who are old farts, but there is also a differentiation within the genders. There are undoubtedly more male old farts than female ones but the anecdotal evidence is that old women who have experienced multiple vaginal deliveries are significantly more flatulent than their childless peers or those who have had caesareans. I think this should be properly researched in order to establish a base line before the onward march of unisex toilets muddies the water.

“I now intend to continue to increase flatulence-themed celebratory card volumes by associating the joys of parenthood with looser geriatric maternal anal sphincters in another socially acceptable ‘barfday’ card,” said Yolo.

Do you want to get a birthday card for an old fart?

The Steam Donkey Gallery’s original A5-size (148.5 x 210mm) celebratory cards cost £3.49 each plus £1.10 for Royal Mail first class postage. The inside is left blank for you to write your own message. Your chosen card can be sent to you with an extra envelope for you to address or it can be sent directly to your ‘old fart’ with a personalised message (you just tell us what you want to say). For more details and to buy this card, please click HERE.

A CARD TO CREATE THE RIGHT ATMOSPHERE…

The post How to send an old fart ‘happy returns’ first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

The inspiration for this cartoon came from a report in the Daily Star that said women wear thongs because the skimpy garments silence farts.

The creator of the Instagram video that made the claim was quoted as saying, “When you have a piece of string in between your clappers, nothing is going in the wind.”

This was challenged by retired pole-dancing coach Reg Purslips, of Margate, in an unpublished letter to the editor of the Daily Star.

Purslip’s epistle to the Star

Sir,

I wish to respond to the story about thongs and farting.

I don’t doubt that “a piece of string between your clappers” silences some farts – but not mine! I always wore a G-string while pole dancing and I found that when I let one off it often came out with a “whistling” sound. No bit of string between my bum cheeks ever stifled anything!

After I withdrew from coaching pole-dancers I became a children’s entertainer and one of my numbers involved showing the kiddies how to use their thbums to whistle with a blade of grass.

I told them to listen to Boris Johnson and “follow the science”. Sound is created when something vibrates. If one blows on the edge of a vertical blade of grass while it is held tight between your thumbs it will vibrate, creating a whistling sound.

Exactly the same forces are at work whenever anyone farts while trussed up in a G-string. It is because I often “blew” on my reinforced gusset that I frequently whistled while I worked!

Your readers might like to experience “arse-whistling” for themselves. It’s an inexpensive experiment: a six-pack of micro G-string T-back mini-thong panties, guaranteed to be new and unworn, can be purchased from Studio Kwerky for less than a tenner – and they’ll make your farts sound like one!

I remain, etc

Reg C. Purslips

CLICK HERE FOR ANOTHER CARTOON

The post Talking bollocks discuss letting one off in a thong first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

Matron pulled off the flatulent geriatric’s bed covers while her assistant carefully read the instructions on the back of the roll of wallpaper. The two health care professionals were engaged in a programme of “re-decoration” which was being implemented throughout the hospital. A team of design consultants had successfully persuaded the hospital management that wallpapering would, temporarily at least, improve the institution’s low rating. The consultants had concluded that too many of the patients were “tired and dated” and needed freshening up before any further viewings by external inspectors. The nurses, however, knew the true depths of the hospital’s problems and saw this latest managerial initiative for what it was: a a stop-gap measure that was merely papering over the cracks.

The post Hospital papers over cracks to make patients look better first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.