by Knut Sackvoll

This homemade inflatable boat, called Doll, was discovered lying limp and derelict and surrounded by clumps of maidenhair fern (adiantum aethiopicum) beneath The White Cliffs of Dover. She had been knocked up, rather crudely, from bits picked up at the seaside or online.

Dating her maiden voyage was difficult; there were signs that she appeared late in the 1990s. Her distinguishing feature was the shape of her keel, which followed the well-rounded lines that American shipbuilders referred to as “bubblebutt”. This was a popular design found in the props on TV game shows such as “It’s a Cock-up!” because it made the boat unstable and prone to capsizing – much to the delight of spectators.

Vigorous pumping got the D.I.Y. Doll to come back into shape but when the pump was withdrawn a faint flatulent sound revealed that the rubber that had unfortunately perished.

The craft’s small size and shape suggested that she had always been a two-person (three at a squeeze) pleasure boat in which no one would wish to go too far for any longer than required. She was the floating (or otherwise) equivalent of a seafront “Kiss Me Quick!” hat.

‘Seamen Down the Ages’

 Surprisingly, her rusty vintage outboard motor had not seized up and could be teased back into a shuddering semblance of life in order to allow the “helmsman” to give his screw propeller a run. The propeller itself was encrusted and warped and sat on a shaft that was far from horizontal. This put a damper on the craft’s prospects of going all the way suggested by the size of its fuel tank. Nevertheless, despite little promise of a future foray lasting longer than a minute, the Doll deserved a better fate than a Kentish beach cleaner’s bin.

She found her final resting place at the end of Margate Pier as an exhibit in the “Jack Tar’s Jollies” museum of maritime fun. After extensive specialist puncture repairs at Halfords, and re-inflation by hand to 2.5 PSI, she became the focal point of the museum’s permanent interactive display of “Seamen Down the Ages”  (which competes with London’s Science Museum for knobs to turn and buttons to press).

Visitors are drawn into this exhibition by the plaintive sound of a shipwrecked sailor alone with his hornpipe begging for someone to give him one last rendering of  “Blow the Man Down” before he dies. This is interspersed with a melodious voice, attributed to the anthropomorphised Doll, repeating the traditional shanty’s best-known line: “Come quickly, lay aft to the break of the poop”. It is a moving experience.

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Turner Contemporary, Margate’s seafront art gallery, is undoubtedly the place to go, writes Artie Flannell.

The gallery’s equity, diversity and inclusion statement affirms that it “wants to create a more inclusive and welcoming environment for all”.  That includes the toilets.

A new category is added to the expected male, female and gender-neutral options.  It is: those for whom the doors are too heavy to open and close without assistance.

The gallery’s online “accessibility” guide to its lavatories advises: “The doors may be heavy for some visitors. If you need assistance, please ask a member of staff and they will be happy to help.” (See illustration below)

The need for such assistance should not deter anyone from using the gallery’s facilities. No visitors should fear being forgotten and left locked in the lavatory (particularly groups of three old ladies!). The gallery is a serious place and it will not want to be associated with a rousing chorus of “Oh dear! What can the matter be…”

No pressure on users to go anywhere else

The gallery’s welcoming statement says, “Visitors to Turner Contemporary can enjoy the latest art exhibition, take part in tours or activities, or simply sit and relax in the café while enjoying views of the harbour.”

To this list I would add: make use of the toilet facilities. There are no better public conveniences in the town than those provided by the Turner! They are the loveliest in all Margate (to paraphrase J. W. M. Turner, after whom the gallery is named).

The toilets are first rate (even if the doors are heavy) and, in truth, every visitor to Margate should know about them.

Turner’s toilets are very easily accessible from the street, totally free of charge and users are not obliged to go anywhere else in the gallery or spend a penny in the shop.

Unlike the situation in other establishments, the Turner’s staff will not block a would-be user’s passage. “The toilets are for customers only!” will NOT be heard in the gallery. Neither will there be pressure to buy something unwanted in order to qualify for a seat in the lavatory. No one will be made to visit an exhibition before they can go (or after they’ve been).

There are many doors in the world of art and Turner Contemporary is to be congratulated for allowing these particular ones to be opened (with or without help) by anyone within reach of the gallery building and looking for a toilet.

P.S. Once they’ve been in the ground-floor toilets, visitors might like to go upstairs where they can engage with the art on show. It would be a shame to miss it!

In next month’s Gallery Toilets Review

Art gallery leaves men’s toilet taps running to speed up flow

of old farts and the windows open to dispel them

HOW TO DEAL WITH A NOISY FART

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There were sighs of relief from the Thanetian corner of the South East’s arts economy this week when unemployment in this vital sector rose by just a single digit, writes Artie Flannell. The fall in those at work came when the innovative but short-lived Blue Cubicle Gallery sadly locked its door for the last time.

Art entrepreneur Ned Tournip, owner of the gallery, which was positioned in a lay-by on the A299, admitted that his experimental mini-exhibition space had not allowed for visitors’ conditioned responses when confronted with a structure that resembled a portable w.c.

Tournip’s intention had been to create an easily-installed and highly mobile individualised space within which potential buyers of original art could closet themselves into an engaging relationship with the work and make purchases undisturbed by others.

‘No one spent a penny in the Blue Cubicle’

It was anticipated that visitors would enter the cubicle, close the door behind them, receive a price list from shop manager Matt Scumbling – the sole member of staff and occupier of the only seat in the gallery – before browsing an array of monoprints inspired by the rendering of flatulence in Japanese He-Gassen art of the early Edo period.

“The concept was simple but, sadly, it didn’t work,” said Tournip. “The problem was that as soon as people opened the door, they would apologise to Matt and quickly shut it again, exclaiming, ‘Sorry! I didn’t know it was occupied!’”

Tournip repeated Margate artist Tracey Emin’s assertion that “commerce follows art”, ruefully adding his own comment that “sadly, however, in this case no one spent a penny in the Blue Cubicle. “

“All is not lost, however,” declared an optimistic Tournip.  “The monoprints, by local artist Merzi de Bris, will now be rehoused in my online gallery space in a solo show to be called ‘Pulling One Off’. And as for my ex-manager Matt, I’m confident that with his MA in ‘Mesmerizing the Viewer’ behind him, the art world will not leave him in vacant mode for long.”

LIFTING THE LID ON A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE

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