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Dairy farmers worried about greenhouse gas in cow farts could soon be approaching their favourite grass-muncher and asking, “Fancy a slice of kangaroo poo-flavoured cattle cake, Daisy?”

Cow farts are blowing holes in the ozone layer but scientists in America have found that adding an ingredient to kangaroo turds could provide a way of knocking back the ruminants’ atmosphere-damaging methane-loaded farting.

Methane is way ahead of carbon dioxide in terms of potency when it comes to global warming. The warming effect of methane in the atmosphere is 30 times that of carbon dioxide.

Ruminant stomachs are a collective methane manufactory, producing about half of global methane emissions. Kangaroo guts, however, produce acetic acid not methane.

Researchers found that by adding a methanogen-inhibiting chemical to baby kangaroo faeces and placing the faecal culture in a bioreactor designed to artificially provide the environment of a cow’s stomach, the bioreactor didn’t let off any methane at all.

What’s needed now is to try it out on real cows.

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“My design endeavoured to capture the balletic subaqueous frond-like gestural mimetics of the physician’s digitus secundus in that moment of intense focus before it penetrated its target of a latent girdling of constraint with a determined persistence like a wood-boring beetle patiently devouring the earth-coloured timbers of an ancient sunken vessel,” said graphic designer Magyt Hejstynz, as he clarified his approach to an invitation from Steam Donkey Mugs to produce a discrete aide-memoire for would-be doctors and nurses in the digital medical world.

The mug-maker’s brief related to the digital rectal examination (DRE) or, as the ancient Romans called it, the palpatio per anum – a fundamentally simple physical examination involving the lubricated finger of a medical professional. The practitioner inserts a finger into the rectum (a patient’s) and then feels around in search of abnormalities. Trainee medics are warned that if they don’t put their finger in it, they might end up putting their foot in it!

“If a young doctor looks at my mug and thinks ‘anus’ I will feel myself satisfied,” said Hejstynz.

When he’s not in his studio, the designer frequently appears on Margate Sands with A Packet of Minstrels, performing their re-enactment of the famous sixteenth-century historical event when a courtier disgraced himself by farting in front of Queen Elizabeth (who should, of course, have been allowed to go first).

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The noted Yorkshire flatulist Obson Croggy (pictured above) demonstrates a somewhat exaggerated example of his county’s traditional farting posture, popularly known as a “Bingley Cry”.

According to Mr Croggy, a renowned West Riding expert in matters pertaining to farting, a slight lifting of the left leg is all that is is required to satisfactorily initiate the release of flatus in the accepted Yorkshire manner.

A lean to one side is commonly added to the movement, but this is seen as an affectation imported from the south of the country and is not formally required to complete the action.

Observers will note that in neighbouring Lancashire it is the right leg that is lifted, again slightly, whenever a fart is released.

Farting in Yorkshire posture explained

Mr Croggy believes that the differences in postures demonstrated by farters from the two counties have their origins in the fifteenth century Wars of the Roses, which were fought to establish which royal household would eventually step up to the throne of England.

“Habitually, the House of York stepped up to the throne left leg first, whereas members of the House of Lancaster favoured putting the right one in. These are the essential differences between “guffing” in Yorkshire and letting one off in Lancashire.

“The argument over whether the left leg or the right leg should be put in raged throughout the 30 years of the conflict and became known as the ‘Hokey Cokey’, the term eventually being seen as a metaphor for the conflict. Today we see its legacy in the differential leg-lifting frequently accompanying flatulence across the two counties.  My theory is that the past lingers on and one movement is a resounding symbol of Yorkist triumph and the other is one of Lancastrian defiance,” said Mr Croggy.

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Send this cartoon on a greetings card

“The family that prays together stays together.” That’s what preachers used to say. Today that promise has been rewritten to exploit the benefits of mutual farting in helping couples make love last a little bit longer.

“Couples that fart together, stay together,” says the counsellor. This sage advice is based on simple logic. When there are just two of you in the room, there’s nowhere to hide if only one is farting. If blowing off can be synchronised, one fart cancels out the other and the couple can continue in a harmonious relationship.

Sadly, the day will inevitably come when dietary indiscretions (beer and curry, for example) will lead to farts getting mismatched and one or other partner will stand exposed as a stinker. Love then goes out of the window leaving both parties banished from their illusory aromatic paradise. However, neither one should be too dismayed for as it says in the good book, “And this too shall pass” [until the next time].

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‘Eee, tha’s a reet gradly guff tha!’

writes A Yorkshire Eproctophiliac

As we say in Yorkshire, there’s nowt so queer as folk! Some are sexually aroused by guffin’, while others find fartin’ in t’bedroom mingin’.

T’ Yorkshire word for bein’ turned on by farts is eproctophilia, which is a sub-type of olfactophilia. In plain English, it’s a fart fetish – with a probable favourin’ of goffs [smell] over sounds. Sometimes it goes t’other way.

I’m a no-nonsense tyke who enjoys some reet good guffin’ mi’sen but tha mun think on. If in doubt do nowt. Wi’ a new sexual partner I would allus take my weight on my elbows and ask before lettin’ one off. If she says, “Fill thi booits, lad”, I’ll be well chuffed. If not, I’ll put wood in t ‘ole.

Let a fart out uninvited and tha’ll find for thissen it’s a reet friggin’ passion-killer! Unless t’ all-clear has been given, flatus should be ‘eld back durin’ and immediately after shaggin’. Do not expect a shout of “Eee, tha’s a reet gradly guff tha! That were champion!” for an unexpected fart in a partner’s lug ‘ole.

Accidental blowin’ off tis reet risky during foreplay (and post-coital). I allus tell mi’sen, “Ey up, lad or it’ll be ‘Tarra’ afore you get what tha came for!”

If you can’t hang on to your fart, do summat. Tha can allus make excuse and get out of room quick to leave it somewhere else. If asked, “Where’s tha gooin’? “reply, “Yonderly” (this is more romantic than, “I’m off t’bog”).

Si’thee!

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The boys’ beard styles back-story

Beard styles rather than farting was the main topic of interest for the two brothers but it didn’t stop them playing make-believe games together.

Cuthbert was 12 years old and had grown a beard in the under-chin curtain style, which he kept well-trimmed. This allowed him to mock his six-year-old brother, Teddy, whose attempt to sprout an old Dutch-style beard and look like Abraham Lincoln was making slow and untidy progress.

But as they played at sailing boats, using a dog biscuit, a slice of processed cheese and one of granny’s knitting needles, Teddy felt once again a rising resentment at his brother’s hirsute success…

The post Cuthbert’s feeble little puffs left Teddy in the doldrums first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

Three Men in a Skip is the life-sized artwork at the centre of the Steam Donkey Gallery’s latest venture: “Craft Ebbing & Flowing”. Visitors to the Margate gallery are invited to put words into the mouths of the characters in the skip to help construct an archive of Kentish contemporary banter.

The installation, created by Julian Gazebos, focuses on two yachters engaged in cruising down the River Thanet in a skip. Visitors are asked to imagine that the two are undertaking a leisurely voyage that gives them the opportunity to swap “bants”. The exchanges are the vital creative component of the installation.

Visitors to the gallery are invited to lean forward to about six inches from the artwork and speak into a voice-activated microphone to record a suggested exchange between the men.

(The artist’s original intention was to have had three men in the skip – in a punning play on the title of Jerome K. Jerome’s comic novel, Three Men in a Boat – but unfortunately the third man was lost somewhere in the sewers of Vienna.)

Participants in the project are asked to make their recordings in the style of a vintage music hall double-act, with a subtle change in tone between the utterances of the two characters.

Gallery guides its visitors’ banter

The gallery offers visitors three examples to help them approach their recordings with confidence:

1. The first speaker announces: “My wife’s been to the West Indies.” The second speaker asks, making it obvious that his voice is not that of the first: “Jamaica?” And the answer comes back: “No, she went of her own accord.”

2. One man states: “I’ve got a sore throat.” His companion quizzically responds: “Oh dear, have you sucked a Fisherman’s Friend?” This banter relies on ambiguity: could the words “Fisherman’s Friend” have a meaning quite different from a reference to the well-known medicinal lozenge?

3. The standing man says: “Ooops! I appear to have farted.” To which the sitting character replies: “Tell me about it! You’ve put my fag out!” In this example, the afflatus has not extinguished the cigarette but the banter is based upon a typical jocular exaggeration of that simple truth.

The The first contribution to be recorded by a visitor comes from an old Kent wag, Eileen Dover, with the following exchange:

“You’ve got the ship’s wheel in your trousers!”

“Yes, it’s driving me nuts.”

The Second Banana publishing house has undertaken to publish The Steam Donkey’s A Load of Bants when recorded contributions reach 1,000.

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Protect your kitchen worktop

with our toughened glass

CHOPPER BOARD

“A really good quality chopper board – and funny too!” – A Satisfied Customer

This glass chopper board is the essential kitchen tool for a sexy cook!

No kitchen is complete until it has a proper cutting board to protect worktops from unwanted cuts and scratches and to allow the safe and hygienic slicing and chopping of foodstuffs.

The Studio Kwerky glass Chopper Board is suitable for the kitchens of vegetarians, vegans and meat-eaters.

This amusing tempered-glass chopping board is decorated with a distinctive penis art design specially created by artist Merzi de Bris from an original graffiti chalk drawing seen on the harbour wall at the seaside resort of Margate, not far from the Turner Contemporary art gallery.

The board has a textured, heatproof and hard-wearing cutting surface and a set of protective anti-slip rubber feet.

Size: 280 mm x 390 mm

The Chopper Board is easily wiped clean after use.

This desirable and quirky food prep kitchen tool will delight everyone who’s given one. It’s the perfect gift for all occasions!

Available from

STUDIO KWERKY

£19.95 POST FREE

The post FOCUS ON FARTS 3 lifts lid on the facts of flatulence first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

WITH A SET

OF THE STEAM DONKEY’S

SURREALIST ART COASTERS

These 90mm square

glossy

wipe-clean

printed wooden coasters

are available in sets of four from

STUDIO KWERKY

£11.95 plus postage

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by Knut Sackvoll

This homemade inflatable boat, called Doll, was discovered lying limp and derelict and surrounded by clumps of maidenhair fern (adiantum aethiopicum) beneath The White Cliffs of Dover. She had been knocked up, rather crudely, from bits picked up at the seaside or online.

Dating her maiden voyage was difficult; there were signs that she appeared late in the 1990s. Her distinguishing feature was the shape of her keel, which followed the well-rounded lines that American shipbuilders referred to as “bubblebutt”. This was a popular design found in the props on TV game shows such as “It’s a Cock-up!” because it made the boat unstable and prone to capsizing – much to the delight of spectators.

Vigorous pumping got the D.I.Y. Doll to come back into shape but when the pump was withdrawn a faint flatulent sound revealed that the rubber that had unfortunately perished.

The craft’s small size and shape suggested that she had always been a two-person (three at a squeeze) pleasure boat in which no one would wish to go too far for any longer than required. She was the floating (or otherwise) equivalent of a seafront “Kiss Me Quick!” hat.

‘Seamen Down the Ages’

 Surprisingly, her rusty vintage outboard motor had not seized up and could be teased back into a shuddering semblance of life in order to allow the “helmsman” to give his screw propeller a run. The propeller itself was encrusted and warped and sat on a shaft that was far from horizontal. This put a damper on the craft’s prospects of going all the way suggested by the size of its fuel tank. Nevertheless, despite little promise of a future foray lasting longer than a minute, the Doll deserved a better fate than a Kentish beach cleaner’s bin.

She found her final resting place at the end of Margate Pier as an exhibit in the “Jack Tar’s Jollies” museum of maritime fun. After extensive specialist puncture repairs at Halfords, and re-inflation by hand to 2.5 PSI, she became the focal point of the museum’s permanent interactive display of “Seamen Down the Ages”  (which competes with London’s Science Museum for knobs to turn and buttons to press).

Visitors are drawn into this exhibition by the plaintive sound of a shipwrecked sailor alone with his hornpipe begging for someone to give him one last rendering of  “Blow the Man Down” before he dies. This is interspersed with a melodious voice, attributed to the anthropomorphised Doll, repeating the traditional shanty’s best-known line: “Come quickly, lay aft to the break of the poop”. It is a moving experience.

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Welcome to the first “wise crack” in our series of “Focus on Farts” flatulist graphics. The speaker is not talking out of his arse! All the facts about farting revealed in these graphics are true (or true enough…).

FOCUS ON FARTS No.2

THE IDEAL MUG FOR PROOF READERS

AND CLEVER LITERARY TYPES

“The penis mightier than the sword” is definitely NOT what Edward Bulwer-Lytton, the English writer and politician, said back in 1839. Perish the thought! What he said was: “The pen is mightier than the sword.”

Fat-fingering on the keyboard can lead to all sorts of misunderstandings – and this one has been sorted out using the traditional proof-reader’s correction mark (in blue) for such a blunder.

This amusing literary mug comes in a bright white glossy finish and is dishwasher and microwave safe with a grammatically correct handle.

Available from

STUDIO KWERKY

£8.99 plus postage

The post FOCUS ON FARTS lifts lid on the facts of flatulence first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

Turner Contemporary, Margate’s seafront art gallery, is undoubtedly the place to go, writes Artie Flannell.

The gallery’s equity, diversity and inclusion statement affirms that it “wants to create a more inclusive and welcoming environment for all”.  That includes the toilets.

A new category is added to the expected male, female and gender-neutral options.  It is: those for whom the doors are too heavy to open and close without assistance.

The gallery’s online “accessibility” guide to its lavatories advises: “The doors may be heavy for some visitors. If you need assistance, please ask a member of staff and they will be happy to help.” (See illustration below)

The need for such assistance should not deter anyone from using the gallery’s facilities. No visitors should fear being forgotten and left locked in the lavatory (particularly groups of three old ladies!). The gallery is a serious place and it will not want to be associated with a rousing chorus of “Oh dear! What can the matter be…”

No pressure on users to go anywhere else

The gallery’s welcoming statement says, “Visitors to Turner Contemporary can enjoy the latest art exhibition, take part in tours or activities, or simply sit and relax in the café while enjoying views of the harbour.”

To this list I would add: make use of the toilet facilities. There are no better public conveniences in the town than those provided by the Turner! They are the loveliest in all Margate (to paraphrase J. W. M. Turner, after whom the gallery is named).

The toilets are first rate (even if the doors are heavy) and, in truth, every visitor to Margate should know about them.

Turner’s toilets are very easily accessible from the street, totally free of charge and users are not obliged to go anywhere else in the gallery or spend a penny in the shop.

Unlike the situation in other establishments, the Turner’s staff will not block a would-be user’s passage. “The toilets are for customers only!” will NOT be heard in the gallery. Neither will there be pressure to buy something unwanted in order to qualify for a seat in the lavatory. No one will be made to visit an exhibition before they can go (or after they’ve been).

There are many doors in the world of art and Turner Contemporary is to be congratulated for allowing these particular ones to be opened (with or without help) by anyone within reach of the gallery building and looking for a toilet.

P.S. Once they’ve been in the ground-floor toilets, visitors might like to go upstairs where they can engage with the art on show. It would be a shame to miss it!

In next month’s Gallery Toilets Review

Art gallery leaves men’s toilet taps running to speed up flow

of old farts and the windows open to dispel them

HOW TO DEAL WITH A NOISY FART

The post Make yourself comfortable with a gallery toilet stop first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

There were sighs of relief from the Thanetian corner of the South East’s arts economy this week when unemployment in this vital sector rose by just a single digit, writes Artie Flannell. The fall in those at work came when the innovative but short-lived Blue Cubicle Gallery sadly locked its door for the last time.

Art entrepreneur Ned Tournip, owner of the gallery, which was positioned in a lay-by on the A299, admitted that his experimental mini-exhibition space had not allowed for visitors’ conditioned responses when confronted with a structure that resembled a portable w.c.

Tournip’s intention had been to create an easily-installed and highly mobile individualised space within which potential buyers of original art could closet themselves into an engaging relationship with the work and make purchases undisturbed by others.

‘No one spent a penny in the Blue Cubicle’

It was anticipated that visitors would enter the cubicle, close the door behind them, receive a price list from shop manager Matt Scumbling – the sole member of staff and occupier of the only seat in the gallery – before browsing an array of monoprints inspired by the rendering of flatulence in Japanese He-Gassen art of the early Edo period.

“The concept was simple but, sadly, it didn’t work,” said Tournip. “The problem was that as soon as people opened the door, they would apologise to Matt and quickly shut it again, exclaiming, ‘Sorry! I didn’t know it was occupied!’”

Tournip repeated Margate artist Tracey Emin’s assertion that “commerce follows art”, ruefully adding his own comment that “sadly, however, in this case no one spent a penny in the Blue Cubicle. “

“All is not lost, however,” declared an optimistic Tournip.  “The monoprints, by local artist Merzi de Bris, will now be rehoused in my online gallery space in a solo show to be called ‘Pulling One Off’. And as for my ex-manager Matt, I’m confident that with his MA in ‘Mesmerizing the Viewer’ behind him, the art world will not leave him in vacant mode for long.”

LIFTING THE LID ON A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE

The post Sighs of relief as big jobs drop avoided first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

This framed print makes toilet trips

a fascinating journey into the past

as users see what’s gone before

Turn your WC into a seat of learning

with these Victorian advertisements

Laugh in the loo with this unashamed lavatory wall art designed to entertain visitors to your smallest room (or anywhere else in your home or office).

The A4-size framed print features a facsimile of a page of advertisements from “The Jocular Troper Quarterly” of Spring 1899 (published 1 April of that year) and has been produced with the discerning interior designer’s needs in mind.

The image is printed using a 12-colour Giclée print process to provide an excellent reproduction of colours and details (which is perfect for the lighting in most household toilets).

The paper used is a natural, sustainable and environmentally-friendly product made from 90% bamboo fibres and 10% cotton, which offers warm tones without optical brighteners (which are not generally required in the domestic w.c.).

The paper is also acid and Lignin-free and conforms to the ISO 9706 standard to offer high museum quality ageing resistance (making it eminently suitable for old farts).

The matt black frame is constructed from 25mm solid wood with 2mm glass and an MDF backing board. It is sized perfectly for A4 (297mm x 210mm) and comes ready-to-hang.

This fine print is available from

STUDIO KWERKY

£29.99

POST FREE

+CLICK HERE FOR MORE FRAMED fARTWORKS

The post How to decorate your loo and keep your visitors engaged first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

Create the right atmosphere

with this farty card

The Steam Donkey Gallery’s original A5-size (148.5 x 210mm) celebratory cards cost £3.49 each plus £1.10 for Royal Mail first class postage. The inside of the card is left blank for you to write your own message. Your chosen card can be sent to you with an extra envelope for you to address OR it can be sent directly elsewhere with a personalised message (you just tell us what you want to say to the recipient). For more details and to buy this card, please click on the postage stamp below.

Card creator Afaik Yolo writes about

Le Connoisseur de Trompe!

According to Houston Methodist Hospital, in Texas, “Women may actually fart more than men. However, they are typically more discreet about doing it.” I have sought to capture that truth in my design, Le Connoisseur de Trompe!

The two women display a delicacy and elegance of posture and movement while their speech is devoid of masculine excess or crudity, preferring instead to focus on the expression of a refined forensic factuality.

The pink flowers emphasise the essential femininity of the scene and play into the meme of “smelling of roses”, which is posed as a contradictory challenge to the one-dimensional olfactory experience of a wet cabbage or chicken vindaloo fart.

I see this as an “omnibus” card, suitable for the celebration of many different events from a birthday to a Valentine and one that sits perfectly within the catalogue listing of greetings cards designed “With Women in Mind”.

FOR ANOTHER fARTY GREETINGS CARD…

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Award-winning graphic designer Afaik Yolo has come up with the perfect birthday greetings card for elderly men who can no longer get to grips with what’s passed.

“The anal sphincter weakens. It’s the passage of time. Hence the phenomenon of frequent farting among older men, particularly when they bend their knees. This explains how they come to be characterised as ‘old farts’. However, they’re just like the rest of us – except that they’re old, their knees ache and they suffer seriously diminished flatulence-retention capabilities,” said Yolo.

“I wanted to design a card that acknowledged their basic human need to happily just ‘blow out candles’ but which also normalised their ineffective weak anal sphincters in a non-judgemental way. My card design wishes them ‘happy returns’ and excuses their wayward farting by displacing it on to the presumed presence of a whoopee cushion,” he explained.

Next on Yolo’s “to do” list is a card aimed at farty old ladies.

“It’s not only men who are old farts, but there is also a differentiation within the genders. There are undoubtedly more male old farts than female ones but the anecdotal evidence is that old women who have experienced multiple vaginal deliveries are significantly more flatulent than their childless peers or those who have had caesareans. I think this should be properly researched in order to establish a base line before the onward march of unisex toilets muddies the water.

“I now intend to continue to increase flatulence-themed celebratory card volumes by associating the joys of parenthood with looser geriatric maternal anal sphincters in another socially acceptable ‘barfday’ card,” said Yolo.

Do you want to get a birthday card for an old fart?

The Steam Donkey Gallery’s original A5-size (148.5 x 210mm) celebratory cards cost £3.49 each plus £1.10 for Royal Mail first class postage. The inside is left blank for you to write your own message. Your chosen card can be sent to you with an extra envelope for you to address or it can be sent directly to your ‘old fart’ with a personalised message (you just tell us what you want to say). For more details and to buy this card, please click HERE.

A CARD TO CREATE THE RIGHT ATMOSPHERE…

The post How to send an old fart ‘happy returns’ first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

The inspiration for this cartoon came from a report in the Daily Star that said women wear thongs because the skimpy garments silence farts.

The creator of the Instagram video that made the claim was quoted as saying, “When you have a piece of string in between your clappers, nothing is going in the wind.”

This was challenged by retired pole-dancing coach Reg Purslips, of Margate, in an unpublished letter to the editor of the Daily Star.

Purslip’s epistle to the Star

Sir,

I wish to respond to the story about thongs and farting.

I don’t doubt that “a piece of string between your clappers” silences some farts – but not mine! I always wore a G-string while pole dancing and I found that when I let one off it often came out with a “whistling” sound. No bit of string between my bum cheeks ever stifled anything!

After I withdrew from coaching pole-dancers I became a children’s entertainer and one of my numbers involved showing the kiddies how to use their thbums to whistle with a blade of grass.

I told them to listen to Boris Johnson and “follow the science”. Sound is created when something vibrates. If one blows on the edge of a vertical blade of grass while it is held tight between your thumbs it will vibrate, creating a whistling sound.

Exactly the same forces are at work whenever anyone farts while trussed up in a G-string. It is because I often “blew” on my reinforced gusset that I frequently whistled while I worked!

Your readers might like to experience “arse-whistling” for themselves. It’s an inexpensive experiment: a six-pack of micro G-string T-back mini-thong panties, guaranteed to be new and unworn, can be purchased from Studio Kwerky for less than a tenner – and they’ll make your farts sound like one!

I remain, etc

Reg C. Purslips

CLICK HERE FOR ANOTHER CARTOON

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