“My design endeavoured to capture the balletic subaqueous frond-like gestural mimetics of the physician’s digitus secundus in that moment of intense focus before it penetrated its target of a latent girdling of constraint with a determined persistence like a wood-boring beetle patiently devouring the earth-coloured timbers of an ancient sunken vessel,” said graphic designer Magyt Hejstynz, as he clarified his approach to an invitation from Steam Donkey Mugs to produce a discrete aide-memoire for would-be doctors and nurses in the digital medical world.

The mug-maker’s brief related to the digital rectal examination (DRE) or, as the ancient Romans called it, the palpatio per anum – a fundamentally simple physical examination involving the lubricated finger of a medical professional. The practitioner inserts a finger into the rectum (a patient’s) and then feels around in search of abnormalities. Trainee medics are warned that if they don’t put their finger in it, they might end up putting their foot in it!

“If a young doctor looks at my mug and thinks ‘anus’ I will feel myself satisfied,” said Hejstynz.

When he’s not in his studio, the designer frequently appears on Margate Sands with A Packet of Minstrels, performing their re-enactment of the famous sixteenth-century historical event when a courtier disgraced himself by farting in front of Queen Elizabeth (who should, of course, have been allowed to go first).

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Old farts never die, they just fade away and the fart jokes they leave behind them linger on-line in sites such as this.

The Steam Donkey Gallery’s bottom line is that one can squeeze a chuckle out of hot air! Farting (and the flatulent aspects of modern culture) are the sources of amusement that find expression in the site’s “Flatulistings” – all of which are guaranteed to have made their creator laugh.

Now, as a Shakespearian butt-trumpeting clown might have said (while lifting a leg and letting one off), “Stop farting about! On with the motley!”

CLICK HERE to enter FLATULISTINGS

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Three Men in a Skip is the life-sized artwork at the centre of the Steam Donkey Gallery’s latest venture: “Craft Ebbing & Flowing”. Visitors to the Margate gallery are invited to put words into the mouths of the characters in the skip to help construct an archive of Kentish contemporary banter.

The installation, created by Julian Gazebos, focuses on two yachters engaged in cruising down the River Thanet in a skip. Visitors are asked to imagine that the two are undertaking a leisurely voyage that gives them the opportunity to swap “bants”. The exchanges are the vital creative component of the installation.

Visitors to the gallery are invited to lean forward to about six inches from the artwork and speak into a voice-activated microphone to record a suggested exchange between the men.

(The artist’s original intention was to have had three men in the skip – in a punning play on the title of Jerome K. Jerome’s comic novel, Three Men in a Boat – but unfortunately the third man was lost somewhere in the sewers of Vienna.)

Participants in the project are asked to make their recordings in the style of a vintage music hall double-act, with a subtle change in tone between the utterances of the two characters.

Gallery guides its visitors’ banter

The gallery offers visitors three examples to help them approach their recordings with confidence:

1. The first speaker announces: “My wife’s been to the West Indies.” The second speaker asks, making it obvious that his voice is not that of the first: “Jamaica?” And the answer comes back: “No, she went of her own accord.”

2. One man states: “I’ve got a sore throat.” His companion quizzically responds: “Oh dear, have you sucked a Fisherman’s Friend?” This banter relies on ambiguity: could the words “Fisherman’s Friend” have a meaning quite different from a reference to the well-known medicinal lozenge?

3. The standing man says: “Ooops! I appear to have farted.” To which the sitting character replies: “Tell me about it! You’ve put my fag out!” In this example, the afflatus has not extinguished the cigarette but the banter is based upon a typical jocular exaggeration of that simple truth.

The The first contribution to be recorded by a visitor comes from an old Kent wag, Eileen Dover, with the following exchange:

“You’ve got the ship’s wheel in your trousers!”

“Yes, it’s driving me nuts.”

The Second Banana publishing house has undertaken to publish The Steam Donkey’s A Load of Bants when recorded contributions reach 1,000.

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by Knut Sackvoll

This homemade inflatable boat, called Doll, was discovered lying limp and derelict and surrounded by clumps of maidenhair fern (adiantum aethiopicum) beneath The White Cliffs of Dover. She had been knocked up, rather crudely, from bits picked up at the seaside or online.

Dating her maiden voyage was difficult; there were signs that she appeared late in the 1990s. Her distinguishing feature was the shape of her keel, which followed the well-rounded lines that American shipbuilders referred to as “bubblebutt”. This was a popular design found in the props on TV game shows such as “It’s a Cock-up!” because it made the boat unstable and prone to capsizing – much to the delight of spectators.

Vigorous pumping got the D.I.Y. Doll to come back into shape but when the pump was withdrawn a faint flatulent sound revealed that the rubber that had unfortunately perished.

The craft’s small size and shape suggested that she had always been a two-person (three at a squeeze) pleasure boat in which no one would wish to go too far for any longer than required. She was the floating (or otherwise) equivalent of a seafront “Kiss Me Quick!” hat.

‘Seamen Down the Ages’

 Surprisingly, her rusty vintage outboard motor had not seized up and could be teased back into a shuddering semblance of life in order to allow the “helmsman” to give his screw propeller a run. The propeller itself was encrusted and warped and sat on a shaft that was far from horizontal. This put a damper on the craft’s prospects of going all the way suggested by the size of its fuel tank. Nevertheless, despite little promise of a future foray lasting longer than a minute, the Doll deserved a better fate than a Kentish beach cleaner’s bin.

She found her final resting place at the end of Margate Pier as an exhibit in the “Jack Tar’s Jollies” museum of maritime fun. After extensive specialist puncture repairs at Halfords, and re-inflation by hand to 2.5 PSI, she became the focal point of the museum’s permanent interactive display of “Seamen Down the Ages”  (which competes with London’s Science Museum for knobs to turn and buttons to press).

Visitors are drawn into this exhibition by the plaintive sound of a shipwrecked sailor alone with his hornpipe begging for someone to give him one last rendering of  “Blow the Man Down” before he dies. This is interspersed with a melodious voice, attributed to the anthropomorphised Doll, repeating the traditional shanty’s best-known line: “Come quickly, lay aft to the break of the poop”. It is a moving experience.

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Turner Contemporary, Margate’s seafront art gallery, is undoubtedly the place to go, writes Artie Flannell.

The gallery’s equity, diversity and inclusion statement affirms that it “wants to create a more inclusive and welcoming environment for all”.  That includes the toilets.

A new category is added to the expected male, female and gender-neutral options.  It is: those for whom the doors are too heavy to open and close without assistance.

The gallery’s online “accessibility” guide to its lavatories advises: “The doors may be heavy for some visitors. If you need assistance, please ask a member of staff and they will be happy to help.” (See illustration below)

The need for such assistance should not deter anyone from using the gallery’s facilities. No visitors should fear being forgotten and left locked in the lavatory (particularly groups of three old ladies!). The gallery is a serious place and it will not want to be associated with a rousing chorus of “Oh dear! What can the matter be…”

No pressure on users to go anywhere else

The gallery’s welcoming statement says, “Visitors to Turner Contemporary can enjoy the latest art exhibition, take part in tours or activities, or simply sit and relax in the café while enjoying views of the harbour.”

To this list I would add: make use of the toilet facilities. There are no better public conveniences in the town than those provided by the Turner! They are the loveliest in all Margate (to paraphrase J. W. M. Turner, after whom the gallery is named).

The toilets are first rate (even if the doors are heavy) and, in truth, every visitor to Margate should know about them.

Turner’s toilets are very easily accessible from the street, totally free of charge and users are not obliged to go anywhere else in the gallery or spend a penny in the shop.

Unlike the situation in other establishments, the Turner’s staff will not block a would-be user’s passage. “The toilets are for customers only!” will NOT be heard in the gallery. Neither will there be pressure to buy something unwanted in order to qualify for a seat in the lavatory. No one will be made to visit an exhibition before they can go (or after they’ve been).

There are many doors in the world of art and Turner Contemporary is to be congratulated for allowing these particular ones to be opened (with or without help) by anyone within reach of the gallery building and looking for a toilet.

P.S. Once they’ve been in the ground-floor toilets, visitors might like to go upstairs where they can engage with the art on show. It would be a shame to miss it!

In next month’s Gallery Toilets Review

Art gallery leaves men’s toilet taps running to speed up flow

of old farts and the windows open to dispel them

HOW TO DEAL WITH A NOISY FART

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There were sighs of relief from the Thanetian corner of the South East’s arts economy this week when unemployment in this vital sector rose by just a single digit, writes Artie Flannell. The fall in those at work came when the innovative but short-lived Blue Cubicle Gallery sadly locked its door for the last time.

Art entrepreneur Ned Tournip, owner of the gallery, which was positioned in a lay-by on the A299, admitted that his experimental mini-exhibition space had not allowed for visitors’ conditioned responses when confronted with a structure that resembled a portable w.c.

Tournip’s intention had been to create an easily-installed and highly mobile individualised space within which potential buyers of original art could closet themselves into an engaging relationship with the work and make purchases undisturbed by others.

‘No one spent a penny in the Blue Cubicle’

It was anticipated that visitors would enter the cubicle, close the door behind them, receive a price list from shop manager Matt Scumbling – the sole member of staff and occupier of the only seat in the gallery – before browsing an array of monoprints inspired by the rendering of flatulence in Japanese He-Gassen art of the early Edo period.

“The concept was simple but, sadly, it didn’t work,” said Tournip. “The problem was that as soon as people opened the door, they would apologise to Matt and quickly shut it again, exclaiming, ‘Sorry! I didn’t know it was occupied!’”

Tournip repeated Margate artist Tracey Emin’s assertion that “commerce follows art”, ruefully adding his own comment that “sadly, however, in this case no one spent a penny in the Blue Cubicle. “

“All is not lost, however,” declared an optimistic Tournip.  “The monoprints, by local artist Merzi de Bris, will now be rehoused in my online gallery space in a solo show to be called ‘Pulling One Off’. And as for my ex-manager Matt, I’m confident that with his MA in ‘Mesmerizing the Viewer’ behind him, the art world will not leave him in vacant mode for long.”

LIFTING THE LID ON A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE

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This framed print makes toilet trips

a fascinating journey into the past

as users see what’s gone before

Turn your WC into a seat of learning

with these Victorian advertisements

Laugh in the loo with this unashamed lavatory wall art designed to entertain visitors to your smallest room (or anywhere else in your home or office).

The A4-size framed print features a facsimile of a page of advertisements from “The Jocular Troper Quarterly” of Spring 1899 (published 1 April of that year) and has been produced with the discerning interior designer’s needs in mind.

The image is printed using a 12-colour Giclée print process to provide an excellent reproduction of colours and details (which is perfect for the lighting in most household toilets).

The paper used is a natural, sustainable and environmentally-friendly product made from 90% bamboo fibres and 10% cotton, which offers warm tones without optical brighteners (which are not generally required in the domestic w.c.).

The paper is also acid and Lignin-free and conforms to the ISO 9706 standard to offer high museum quality ageing resistance (making it eminently suitable for old farts).

The matt black frame is constructed from 25mm solid wood with 2mm glass and an MDF backing board. It is sized perfectly for A4 (297mm x 210mm) and comes ready-to-hang.

This fine print is available from

STUDIO KWERKY

£29.99

POST FREE

+CLICK HERE FOR MORE FRAMED fARTWORKS

The post How to decorate your loo and keep your visitors engaged first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

Artist Merzi de Bris and the writer Knut Sackvoll have come together once again in a fitting coupling of their individual talents.

Sackvoll’s publishers – Second Banana Manuals – were looking for a suitable artwork to illustrate the cover of his latest book, SELFIES: Make them better with this handy guide to the best digital manipulation techniques.

The decision to use the work of de Bris was inevitable. Her critically-acclaimed and highly appropriate scraperboard images had just been on show in a solo exhibition titled, “I thought Farting was a city in China”. One of the many excited visitors to the show had been Second Banana’s art director, Julian Gazebos.

The works displayed included her subversive interpretation of the eternal dilemma of pain or pleasure in so-called self-abuse: “Constellation of Venus: Knocking one out”.

Gazebos had no difficulty in coming to a decision over what to put on the cover of Sackvoll’s book. “I had accepted the invitation to a private view of Merzi’s opening because I just knew that what she was showing would be thrilling. ‘Knocking one out’ satisfied my needs completely,” he said.

The post Merzi knocks one out for Knut’s new manual first appeared on THE STEAM DONKEY GALLERY & PRESS.

When Merzi de Bris saw the seagulls devouring the contents of an abandoned polystyrene shish kebab box on Margate’s main beach, she felt compelled to record the raw energy of the scene. Out of her rapid plein air sketches came a charming monoprint study (above) of a young seagull depositing faecal matter on the resort’s golden sands.

“I was particularly taken by the seagull’s provocative ‘rude boy’ attitude in his nonchalant dropping of a figurative two fingers,” said de Bris.

The print was executed by the subtractive method, as are all of de Bris’s many thousands of monoprints.  Here she has peeled off the image on to a brown kraft paper bag of 60 gsm that she sourced from her local greengrocer. Colouration has been provided by the use of typewriter correction fluid and a fluorescent chisel-pointed high-lighter taken directly from the artist’s desk.

Poet composes himself after thoughts

stimulate his emotions

As his contribution to their continuous collaboration, the Margate-based writer Knut Sackvoll drew on his direct experience of keeping wind (and rain) at bay while contemplating the existential reality of life under a Turner sky.

He did this by sitting in Margate’s literary landmark, the seafront shelter patronised by T.S.Eliot and conveniently situated adjacent to the public lavatories. 

Sackvoll had long-marvelled at the thought that when he sat in this refuge overlooking Margate Sands his buttocks were being touched by the same wood that had supported Eliot’s. It was a strange conduit for a surge of creativity but nevertheless the energy contained in this thought stimulated Sackvoll to re-work the great poet’s words into a three-line 5-7-5 syllable Japanese-style composition (below) to enhance de Bris’s visual acuity.

Advertisement

Buy ‘The Rude Boy’ seagull print

The celebrated Margate artist Merzi de Bris has reproduced one of her best-known monoprints as a high quality giclée art print. The print (203mm x 203mm), known as “The Rude Boy”, comes ready for framing and is available from Studio Kwerky, the online art gallery shop, at £8.50 plus p&p.

Meet ‘The Rude Boy’ artist

THE TRUTH BEHIND ELIOT’S NAME

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